STAR WARS Stormtroopers
So, you want to become a Stormtrooper!
And march in the glorious service of The Emperor!
Here are a few pointers for becoming A STORMTROOPER!
- You are born to it, a pre-programmed clone of a Mandalorian, skilled, gifted with power, strength, glory and no other choice in your life. Live with it, This is The Way.
- You were kidnapped as a child or sold into slavery by your parents. No mummy or daddy for you now, only The Glory of The Empire. We’ll soon make a man, or woman, or thing of you (we’re never sure what’s actually under all those helmets).
- You get a nice shiny plastic suit. Plastic, yes plastic. The Empire is not made of money you know; but it looks really smart when marching around. Just get out there and stomp like you own it.
- Your super shiny suit is not bulletproof, in fact it’s barely anything-proof. I mean, just look at it, a rebel gets hit by a blaster and hobbles off to a medic. You get hit and that’s it, lights out; but never mind, we have millions more to replace you.
- You can barely see where you’re going in that helmet, let alone where you’re shooting. But that’s okay, you just blast in, kind of, the right(ish) direction and all your mates alongside you will be doing the same, one of you is bound to hit the spot, maybe.
- You get to ride lots of amazing flyers, thingies, and fighters, striders and all the tech we can afford (now you know where we spent all the budget instead of your training or suits). But be aware that they’re not state-of-the-art and are prone to crashing or swerving off course just as you’re about to catch one of those pesky rebels.
- You spend plenty of time onboard a GIGANTIC BATTLESHIP, with amazingly clean floors, so clean you can see your reflection in it. Any problems of discipline and we’ll have you licking those floors until the Captain can see HIS/HER reflection in it.
- Your commander is an idiot. Yes, we used to be able to clone brilliant commanders and stormtroopers; but that was long ago in an episode far away. Nowadays it’s the Darth Peter Principle, in which idiots are promoted to the level of their incompetence.
- You will spend an inordinate time idling around in FLEETS OF BATTLESHIPS when you could be raiding the galaxy. Keep an eye on the escape pods. Just a tip, you never know.
- The Force is a myth. A trick used by those pesky rebels to deceive people into helping them hide. If you do get any “feelings” just let us know and we’ll soon help you channel your fury at how your parents betrayed and abandoned you, yes, let it boil, come one, bring it on, think of the merciless revenge you could have on everyone!
Welcome, my child, to the Dark Side.