Humour Quotes and Thoughts

Humour & Thoughts For The Day

A few light-hearted thoughts to take you merrily through the day.
(Begun: June 2002. Updated: rarely)

Thoughts For The Day

Monday: I don’t work here, I’m just stealing stationery. Tuesday: I’m not smiling at my workload, its a grimace. Wednesday: I’m not laughing at my workload, it’s hysteria. Thursday: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz. Friday: My Day!

Politics & Media

  • Fame and British Tabloid Newspapers
    Are you ready to be crucified?
  • Who Me?
    “Don’t ask me, I don’t live here, I only work on this planet.”
  • Tony’s Cronies Law
    “You are free to cheat the government as long as the government are cheats.”
    Inspired by ex-British Prime Minister Tony (although former PM’s had a role to play ) Tony’s Cronies Law simple means that we should all follow the example of our government.  Crooks should be treated with crookedness, cheats should be cheated, and liars lied to, bribe those who encourage bribery, ignore those who ignore the nation’s needs, and laugh at them with contempt when they treat us with contempt; but don’t be violent with them, they’re not worth the effort.
  • Dangerous Thought
    Instead of lowering our standards to appeal to the common man in our democracy-obsessed society why don’t we raise our standards to excellence and give everyone something to strive upwards for in making a better world?
    Why “dumb down” when we can “rise up”?

Business & Management

  • A Thought for Better Business Management
    The torturer leaned slowly over the Consultant tied to the chair in the darkened, hollow room, and whispered.
    “One day all your jobs will be replaced by intelligently managed companies.”
    The consultant’s agonising screams could be heard across the city.
  • Imagine….
    Imagine how great the world will be, when the obstacles are removed from the paths of entrepreneurs, innovators and other creators of new ages.
    Now wake up!
  • Business Growth
    Growth is a product of a process, not the process itself. So when your manager/boss says he/she is going to “grow the business”, ask then what they’re going to do apart from spew more claptrap.
    I don’t grow my business, it grows because I’m good at it.
  • A reminder for the illiterates, pod people and New Labour, living and walking amongst us.
    “It’s not a billion, it’s a milliard, stupid!!”
    “Global” – It’s not the whole world you know.
  • Moving the World
    The world doesn’t move if you wish it.
    The world doesn’t move if you dream it.
    The world doesn’t move if you ask it.
    The world doesn’t move if you tell it.
    The world doesn’t move if you demand it.
    The world doesn’t move if you form a protest group for it.
    The world doesn’t move if you sign a petition for it.
    The world doesn’t move if you write a law for it.
    The world does move if you push it.
  • The Guru
    The guru sat cross-legged in his mountain top retreat as he gazed out in contemplation over the vast mountain range that was Manhattan.
    “Today I shall coin a new buzzword,” he said to his gathered publishing acolytes. They waited as the sun slowly crept across the glittering sky.
    They gasped, and thus a new book was born, a world seminar tour began and it was featured it in the top lists of business books, which was discounted by 95% twelve months later.
  • The Play
    The whole world is a play, and I’ve forgotten my lines!
  • Communications Technology In Business Networking
    Any new communications technology, from the printing press (or was it even earlier – cave paintings!?), onwards has contribute to progress just by allowing people to begin “talking” at a distance, and this has contributed immeasurably to human civilisation; but, we mustn’t let the techno-advocates demand that we live out lives by, through and for the benefit of the technology.
    It is only the beginning of a relationship with people, not a relationship with the technology, which must drive our business and personal lives. It is a useful first step to meeting, knowing and growing in our lives.
  • “The Thoughts of Chairman Michael”
    (Contribution to a debate on the value of internet business networking as opposed to or as a prelude to face-to-face business relationships.)
  • Silly Business Ideas
    A stone mason’s print shop for world statesmen, business leaders, and pop nonentities, oh and British Politicians: “You Name In Plinth”
  • Observation on tyrannical government, et al.
    “The weaker the philosophy, the greater the tyranny.”
    For which I’d include, lying, cheating, witch/book burnings, destroying ancient statues, renaming cities, “radical” politics, etc., etc. all weak ideals suffer the same problem. The test of time will determine the survival of the fittest.
    “The weaker the opposition, the greater the success of tyranny.”
    (Contribution to debate on the use of lies in letters supposedly written by American soldiers to their families and local newspapers, whereas they were really written by senior officers.)
  • Failure
    “There is no such thing as perfection, everything is imperfect. Live with it and take the next step forward…
    For every step forward, you’re taking a step away from yesterday’s failure to tomorrow’s success….
    Each failed idea is a lesson they didn’t teach you at school, learn from it and use your experience to succeed…”
  • “Strategic Creativity”
    Dateline: 4.25pm, Tuesday, 20th, April, 2004.
    I have just invented a new buzzphrase and would like the world to know of my copyright over this phrase.
  • “Strategic Creativity”
    What does it mean? Well I’ll explain it briefly – the principle of management which involved the high level creativity of solutions and new products or services.
    This is applicable to business, government (ha!) and anyone who believes that administration ought to be left to the second layer echelon of an institution and that the very top of an organisation ought to conduct its business with the specific purpose of leading not administering (politicians take note, if you can be bothered).
    “Strategic Creativity” means being an active member of a unique, and very rare, class of people (politicians need never apply) – one who can embrace the thoughts of sound day-to-day business management and yet bring a creative flair and objective distance from routine administration to keep an organisation healthy through new enterprise and productive innovation (new products, new ideas, new directions for the organisation) as opposed to administrative innovation (new carpets on the floor of the office).
  • Is “Big Brother” Destroying Your Mental Health?
    Dateline: 9am Saturday, 3rd, July, 2004.
    Is the Channel 4 TV programme Big Brother destroying your mental health?
    Take a group of people and confine them in a close space like animals, then celebrate it.
    Allow them to establish friendships, then destroy them and celebrate it.
    Encourage a community in keeping with human nature, then systematically tear it apart with stupid, adolescent “games” (tortures) and activities, and celebrate it.
    Drive them to attack and insult each other live on TV for mass audience entertainment, and celebrate it.
    Evict them one-by-one until only one remains, tormenting them at every eviction, and celebrate it.
    “Bread and Circuses” keeps the prols happy, so I’m sure the government approve. But what about Your mental health?
  • Power-Branding Your Company
    Dateline: 8.30am, Monday, 11th, July, 2005.
    Welcome to the latest catch-all non-phrase from our resident guru Sir Yin-Yan Ploop.  Power-Branding Your company, what does it mean?  Another way to gloss over the fact that you can’t run your company so just rename and relaunch it on the world.
    Do you have a tired andout-of-date product, how about a poor profit-margin, or even loosing money like an ancient victim hemmoraging blood?  Then deceive your customers, your employees and your shareholders into believing that “you know what you’re doing” today – Power-Brand Your Company.
    Invent a new, exciting dynamic brand name, chop the first letter of each word in your company name to form a silly acronym. And if anyone complains tell them – this IS a POWERBRAND!
    It’s magic.
    Want to buy some magic fairy dust to sprinkle over your offices while you’re doing it?
  • Kids Can’t Read
    Dateline: Friday, 7th, October, 2005
    Urgent Government News Announcement – Kids are having difficulty reading in the latest government literacy tests. Astounded that targets for kids literacy are not being met the New Labour government plan a wide ranging national debate into literacy for kids and new initiatives to correct this distressing situation.
    So, when was the last time you saw a baby goat read?
  • To Achieve Your Goals
    Dateline: Saturday, 3rd, December, 2005
    How do you climb to the top of a mountain?
    1) Climb it.
    2) Get job, earn money, learn how to climb, buy tools, pay for journey, climb mountain.
    How many dead bodies of inexperienced climbers lie on the side of the mountain?
    And for “mountain” take it to mean any goal you set out to achieve.
    In our rush to achieve things in our modern world we often overlook the need for all the steps between the beginning and the destination and not all of them are the direct route to that point.
  • End of Empire
    Dateline: Friday, 10th of March, 2006.
    It’s an accepted lesson of history that a great empire cannot be conquered from without until it has been corrupted and destroyed from within.
    I wonder if the Prime Ministers of Britain are heeding that, or working for the enemy?
  • Mail Betrayal
    Dateline: Friday, 15th of December, 2006.
    Following yet more depressing news of closures in the British Post Office Network I wonder how long it will take to complete the destruction of the former GPO (General Post Office).
    To-date it’s taken twenty-five years since Margaret Thatcher’s government began the systematic breakup and destruction of what was once a great organisation of enormous potential service to the country, the economy and society.
    They have shattered the single organisation, by selling off the telecommunications arm (British Telecom/BT), they have cripple the Post Office by selling off its banking arm (Girobank) and have unleashed fierce competition on the remaining, weakened, crippled and handicapped postal service.
    Any competent, professional business leader will tell you that a well-diversified organisation with a strong business foundation survives change and turmoil far better than a crippled remnant constantly attacked by politicians.
    What could have been an organisation serving the country and society, giving service to the poor and unemployed who cannot find it anywhere else, is being eaten away until nothing of value will remain.
    And we all voted for it.
  • Target For Tonight
    Dateline: Saturday, 16th of December, 2006.
    Targets, everywhere there are targets in modern Britain. The government can’t exist without issuing more targets. Business targets, savings targets, performance targets, reporting targets, deadline targets, social well-being targets, on and on the stream of targets, reports, demands issuing forth from the government seem endless.
    Sounds just like any other communist government managed society doesn’t it?

Buzz Words

All those Silly, Confusing words that you see, and hear nowadays (late 20th/early 21st centuries).
(A reminder for the illiterates, pod people, consultants and New Labour, living and walking amongst us.)

  • “It’s not a billion, it’s a milliard, stupid!!”
  • “Global” – It’s not the whole world you know.
  • “Impact” – When an asteroid hits the planet, afterwards come the “effects”.
  • “Plague” / “Pandemic”(!!??) – When a third of the world are sick and die (like the Black Death in mediaeval Europe).
  • “Epidemic” – When lots of people get sick and many die (like the Influenza epidemic of 1918 killing millions).
    “Outbreak” – When a brief incident of a disease occurs effecting small numbers of people and/or in limited locations.
    Don’t “reference” me to your web site, literature, etc., when you want to “refer” me to it, otherwise I won’t buy your company’s products – who would buy from a company employing illiterate staff?


Keys: humour, quotes and other silliness from 
Kids are baby goats not children.
It’s a milliards, not a billion, global is not world-wide.